It all went well in the first grade.   But by the time second grade got underway for me, it went bad.  I stayed in trouble until I graduated from high school.  Why? Because I couldn't stop talking!

I got moved to a new desk every week because no matter where they sat me, I'd make friends with my neighbors and talk during class.  I could never remember to raise my hand and wait to be called on, so I blurted out answers.

By the time I was an adolescent I wanted so terribly much to be one of those quiet, demure, shy girls.  My best friend was very shy.  I attempted to act like her, but I just couldn't resist saying something when I felt that I had something to say.

Eventually I learned the word "gregarious". That sounded like a good thing to be.  I worked on accepting myself and trying to like that I was loud, clumsy and impulsive.  Most of the time I'm okay with that, and can see that it does have some advantages.

But, when I am in a social situation where I am invested in what people think of me, I still go back to wanting to be that shy, demure woman. 

Why do I think that people are more likely to accept me if I'm quiet than if I just act like myself?  Why do I care so much whether people like me?  Why is relaxing and just being me so difficult in some situations?

I have spent years in self discovery and working to be what I consider a better person.  Every year I try to make my actions become more aligned with my beliefs.  And yet, I still find myself (less often, but yet still doing it) fighting to be something I'm not.

The good news is that I KNOW who I am.  I am a happy person who loves people.  I have very few filters on what I say or do.  I find humor everywhere and know how to have fun.  I love people with abandon and am loyal to the end.

The bad news is that I still don't know why I can't just accept that and be content.  Oh, but there's more good news!  Along the way I have learned tools to continue to learn about myself, my behaviors and emotions. 

Self discovery and self improvement are not things that you learn how to do, do it, and it's done.  It is a life long process that continues until you die or decide to stop. 

While I don't like looking inside and seeing things I'm not proud of,  I do feel gratitude that I have tools and methods for continuing the journey to be who I want to be.

To dig deep within takes determination and courage. It may feel daunting if you haven't really looked deep within before. 

If you are interested in learning about yourself but feel like you don't know where to start, here are some tips:

1. If possible ask a friend to help.  The perspective of a person who knows you well, and that you trust, can be invaluable.  We have tricked ourselves into believing certain things about ourselves for so long, that at first it can be hard to see the truth, A loving friend can gently guide you out of your comfortable beliefs into reality.

2. Make a list of your core beliefs - your priorities in life, your values.  Compare your actions against your beliefs. Are you living what you believe? 

3.  Make a list of your assets and liabilities. Not your financial ones, but your personality traits.  Try to write at least 25 assets.  Once your list is complete, ask 5 people who know you pretty well, to give you a list of 5 words they think describe you.  How well do their words align with yours?

4.   Write!  Spend as much time as possible writing in your journal about yourself.  Write about what you feel, what you dread, what you like about yourself, what other people say about you, what you dislike about your behaviors.  Write and write and write some more! 

5. During all these processes,  keep a list, either mentally or on paper of what you are seeing develop. What traits describe you?  Who are you seeing as you get to know more about yourself?  What are you liking? What are you having trouble accepting?

6.  Celebrate all the traits you find within.  ALL of them! They are YOU.  Even if you would like to change some things, don't be scared to embrace them.  It's okay to want to grow but don't discard any part of yourself as "bad".