"If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist,
I will answer you: I am here to
live out loud."
~Emile Zola

II first saw this quotation many years ago.  I didn't really understand what it meant, but it sort of stuck to me. Once I had read it, I couldn't get it out of my mind.

The idea of living outloud appealed to me because I had spent my life trying to be quiet and not be noticed.  I wasn't successful.  I couldn't be quiet.  So, the notion of just bravely saying I'm going to do what comes natural and not apologize was fascinating to me.

I journaled a lot about what it would look like if I lived out loud but I couldn't quite imagine that sort of fearlessness.  Then several years ago I met Denise Mihalik.   If you know Denise then you already know what I'm talking about.  If not, then let me tell you about her.  Many people that know her use the word audacious to describe her.  She is so authentic and real and non-apologetic for being a talented, fun-loving, sexual being. She totally owns who she is and flaunts it.  I highly recommend you go to her site and if nothing else, just look at her photographs, and you will get a great sense of what living outloud looks like.

For me, learning to live outloud has involved looking at who I was trying to please.   I had the mistaken belief that if someone didn't like a behavior then I couldnt' exhibit that behavior.  I believed that I had to act like others wanted me to act in order to be accepted.

At some point, I realized that stifling myself and silencing my true voice was literally killing me.   I made the decision that I could live with disapproval or I could die a slow, painful death.  Sounds dramatic, I know, but hey, I'm a drama queen :) 

I cannot say that I am nearly as authentic or audacious as my friend, Denise, but I can say that I'm much more comfortable with being real than I ever was before.  And the more I let people see who I really am, the more I realize that people like me when I'm real.  I don't have to try to be some person that I imagine they want me to be.

Colors can play a big part in helping us see things more vividly.   I see colors in many things like numbers and letters, but also I see some concepts as colors.  Like an upset stomach, to me, looks brown.

Looking at the colors of our behaviors is a way to get through some of the confusion of emotions.  Using this technique as a journaling exercise is a great way to begin the process of finding the courage to be wholly real and authentic.

In your journal, write a list of behaviors that you censor, hold back, have shame about, feel embarassed of, are scared of showing or people have ridiculed you for.

Make a journal page for each thing on your list. On the page, use paint, chalk, colored pencils or paper to show the color of that particular behavior.    For example, if you feel that you stifle your laugh, and being authentic would mean that you'd laugh very loudly, spend a few moments visualizing that and determine what color that seems.   Once you've created the colored page, then write an affirmation over the color.  In our example we might write "I laugh from my belly".

This creates a shortcut to help us be more authentic.  When you have the color attached to the behavior you can just have the slightest sense of what you might be holding back, and the color will emerge in your brain.  And because you have associated the color with the authentic behavior, then you are more likely to exhibit the authentic behavior.